


I Wrote His Essay

by tropicalscary



Category: Kill Your Darlings (2013)
Genre: M/M, Obsession, Regret, Thought Processes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 03:37:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1536170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tropicalscary/pseuds/tropicalscary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a reason Allen slept with a random man in a bar after Lu rejected him, and he doesn't like it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wrote His Essay

**Author's Note:**

> To me, the most emotionally provoking part of the scene in which Lucien kills David were the shots that showed Allen dealing with his problems by sleeping with the man he thought was Lucien in the bar. And as soon as I saw it I knew I needed to know what was going on in his mind during this encounter, even if I had to write it myself.

He's attractive enough. Not that it matters. What matters is that I thought he was you. Blonde hair, tall. Blue eyes that are - close enough. His eyes don't pierce me, don't force me to dream about a world I've always been warned about. I can live with that, though.

 

Lu, you kissed me back, it wasn't in my mind. I had thought that it was mutual, that you felt it too, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe you only saw that there was no David, but there was me.

I gossiped to my mirror, my pillow about it, "He kissed me back, I wrote his essay." They only jeered at my callowness.

 

Maybe if I take this one home with me, maybe I can kiss him blank. Wipe away who I am, a college boy falling into obsession over a revolutionary who gave him a spark, and who he is, a nobody. Wipe away his imperfect hair, his dull eyes and even duller intellect. If I kiss him hard enough, maybe I can turn a tie into your purple scarf. He'll go blank, I'll be blind, and I can pretend it's all you. Maybe.

 

 _"I made you interesting."_ As if that's what I asked you to do. Like we had a pact, you and I. I'll start your revolution if you make me _interesting_.

 

Only you didn't, did you Lu? You never made me interesting. I'm still here, I'm still just Allen. You only corrupted my life, hijacked my memories for an instant, you were always the interesting one. You crowded out the boring but never replaced it, Lu.

 

He watched me take off my clothes. He just stood there, like you did in the library. But it wasn't like in the library. It was like hell. I could feel his eyes boring into me, seeing nothing but flesh - and somehow that hurt, because I had thought that at least you saw that there was more to me than what meets the mind. I had thought that you saw past my writing and past my ideas. All I ever wanted is for you to see me the way I saw you; broken but salvageable. I was wrong. All you ever saw was my youthful ignorance;

 

Just like this one did. Kissing him blank didn't work. I can still see. I can see that he's imperfect, that he's not you. I can see because I know everything about your body. From your sallow cheeks to your bony elbows and swaying hips - don't think I was ignorant to it all. Just because I fell in love with your mind, Lu, doesn't mean I didn't notice your body. He did too, though, didn't he? David got there first. And he's bad for you. He's a disease you can't get rid of. Like some sort of twisted symbiotic relationship, you need him to survive just as much as he needs you, but there's nothing good coming from it. He's as parasitic as he is useful to you, don't lie, I've seen it. You can never get away from David.

 

And I don't think I can get away from you. So kissing doesn't make a face blank, but fucking; fucking will fix it. He tried to climb in behind me, but I couldn't do it . Even if from behind meant it would be easier, even if from behind I could forgive myself for this, even if from behind I could lie and tell myself it was you, I couldn't. Because that was never your style. You would have wanted me to see your face the whole time, you wouldn't have wanted me to take the easy way out. A front row seat to the destruction I've started to cause, I can't miss out on that. I thought looking up at him would mean I could pretend I was doing this for you, but it just brought the lesson home harder. With every grunt and every movement of his hips, every time he shouted my name, the one he only learned a couple of hours ago, it just told me that you, Lucien Carr, wanted nothing to do with me.

 

I closed my eyes. I've seen those around me crash and burn. I have seen them mad and naked, running through alleyways as dark as their minds. I have always been prepared for devastation. I could never pretend that this was you, even behind my eyelids. You wouldn't have wanted it this way, you never did. But if I kept them open, I fear I would have collapsed at the desolation reflected in his eyes. I was torn open, strewn across the room, an exploded man on display for a world that wanted no part of me. I have seen people like you destroy themselves over lust and love, and I have watched and wondered about it. But I couldn't watch myself do the same.


End file.
